I don’t think I’ll ever forget the day I stood up a lab partner. Why would I do such a mean thing? Anxiety, nerves, and fear. I can still picture him sitting in the Hunter Library at a table against the window. He had his book out and he would glance out the window while he waited for me to show. I hid behind a library stack. I would pace away and walk back ready to show. The moment before I would reach his line of sight I would stop and take my stand back behind the bookcase. If others walk by I would stare at the shelves of books. I can’t tell you what books that section held because I never read the bindings. I just thought about how I would walk up to him, sit down, and study.
I thought about making some silly slip up. It was a study section which meant I would have to talk about a subject we took together. Talking meant he may find out he was partnered with a mute, limited vocabulary, or studding spaz. What happens if we started studying and he realized I was just a dumb broad who didn’t really belong in college. I panic at the though of what if he liked me. It’s amazing how the brain can just keep thinking of situations. The situations become more outlandish and anxiety becomes bigger. This kid just wanted to study with his lab partner and in that library I was making up fictitious scenarios psyching myself out.
I forgot the lame excuse I gave him the next time we met in class but we never rescheduled that section (probably my doing). I am not in touch with that lab partner anymore but sometimes I wish I was. I would explain and give him a proper apology. I’m not over my social anxieties but I never did this again. Just have to learn to grow up and get over the fact meeting people is not a big deal. Actually, it can be a lot of fun.
Category: Thoughts
To Whom Ink May Concern
I have seen friends met with negative comments because they have tattoos. Tattoos are for pirates, prisoners, sailers, etc., right? People only get ink for attention, or peer pressure. While some of these stereotypes can be true for a few people, it is not the complete reason everyone who has skin art has gotten one.
I don’t have any tattoos so why should I bring up such a topic? I wrote an article for The Celebrity Cafe sometime ago about Megan Fox having her Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed from her arm. The comments that followed below the piece had nothing to do with the article but people’s opinions about tattooed people. This article is old and I worked on this blog post along time because I didn’t know if people would except a non-tattooed person writing about skin art.
In the comment section it was mentioned that tattoos are a self-esteem issue and someone’s need to be noticed. However, over time tattoo culture has had a much more in-depth history. Different cultures, communities, and times skin art has been used for healing purposes, rites of passage, marks of status and rank. Some marks are symbols of religious and spiritual devotion, and decorations for bravery. There are even tattoos used for sexual lures and marks of fertility, pledges of love, punishment, and protection. The leased liked marks may be that of outcasts, slaves and convicts. The ones with these marks may find their permanent label empowering. Numerous people use skin art to honor a dead relative or as a reminder of conquered tough times. This is where I think others should think twice before they push their judgement.
A few will use tattooing as an “in” thing but don’t demean the people that have tattoos that hold deep meanings of self-expression. Not everyone who has tattoos should be lumped in with Megan Fox. Not everyone that has tattoos have low self-esteem. Not everyone that has tattoos get them to be notice. Most people I know seem to have a tattoo or ten. And judgement goes both ways. Something I have seen some (not all!) tattooed people looking down on people without tattoos. I have been shunned or had a look of attitude or annoyance come my way when I reveal I don’t have any tattoos. I started keeping quite on flesh art because I was tired of defending why I like tattoos on others but why I don’t have/want any.
I had friends try to help me find something I can ink on to my body but after sometime they gave up and I realize that I don’t have to have or own something to say I like it.I guess I can say I look pretty plan to a tattooed person. The only marks on me are freckle, beauty marks, and the occasional bruise or childhood scar. I have been met with prejudice by friends when I find a man attractive who is tattooed and pierced. A “good” or “plain” girl like me shouldn’t step out of her stereotypical group. I have even shocked a friend or two and was told I couldn’t date someone that was excessively tattooed because I didn’t fit in with that attractive man’s image. I could have argued, “How do you know what any stranger finds attractive?” but we all have perspectives we place on people whether they are tattoo, pierced, or bear. In the end, I think (and I’m no one), who are we to make broad assessments and judge someone.
Go Out And Adopt A Pet
If you could clone the best pet you’ve ever owned, would you? They won over your heart with that cute face, their spunky personality, and moment’s shared. When they were gone the world stopped. It didn’t matter if you saw the end coming or it was sudden, either way it didn’t make your loss any more or less painful. Now, what if you can have your pet back? Would you clone your best friend? Dog and cats live short lives. With cloning you could have the opportunity to have the same pet for your entire lifetime. There are companies that will clone your cat or dog for you. For 50,000 – 100,000 dollars you can experience another lifetime with them. What about the homeless pets?
With so many homeless pets, strays or animals living in shelters, I can’t help but think that money would be better spent towards vaccination and care of an animal in need. Your perfect pet is gone. There could be another perfect pet waiting for you. A pet that can teach you new, fun lessons about living. Nothing can replace the one gone but you can save the life of one waiting for a chance at life outside a cage. Each animal has a special talent and personality and so many are in need of loving homes. Adopt today.
[I was cleaning out my computer today and I found this old writing I had forgotten all about. I recall it was a sample writing I sent in with a job application but I don’t remember for what company. I don’t think it’s half bad. Think it could have used a better title. Thought I’d leave it here so it can be read.]
A Day Outside The Library
Sitting outside the New York Public Library. A little girl runs up to her mother pulling a picture book out of the red lion imprinted brown paper bag. Her words are French but her excitement is unmistakable. She is talking fast and I don’t understand the words meaning but I know why she is animated. Here is a little girl thrilled over a book. Her father and I share a smile. We understand each other. But in the moment I see a family’s exhilaration over a child’s enthusiasm for a book purchase I become sad. Others like to say dead tree editions of books are quite literally dead. Does that mean people will miss out on child’s thrill for reading. I can’t imagine a child getting excited about a downloaded picture Kindle edition book like that little girl did. As long as children read I don’t care the platform. I wonder how many Library card and book eager faces the regal lions have seen? It’s possible the lions at the New York Public Library branch have a superpower most places don’t. Or will they see less keen faces over books and more camera flashes with stories of paper past.
Milestone
I have hit the 100 followers mark on this WordPress blog. Thank you to all my followers for reading, liking, and commenting. I started this blog a little over a year ago and I can’t believe how much it has grown since I started. I can’t believe how much I have grown. I have seen my writing improve and I have seen the weeks I struggled with words and finding topics to talk about. I greatly appreciate all of you. For some 100 followers means nothing. Especially the ones that have 1000’s but for me I am shocked, amazed, and happy. Also, would like to thank all the follower on my other platforms. Just because Goodreads, Facebook, Twitter haven’t reached a easy round number doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less. You are all my favorites.Thank You! I hope to continue to post once a week so here’s to many more posts in the future and many more Thanks.
Bookshelf Decisions
I’m trying to keep the spending down. For me this isn’t hard when it comes to things like cloths or extracurricular activities but books, they are my spending weakness. I’ve been doing well lately. I have mostly borrowed from the library and friends. There hasn’t been too many books I’ve come across I feel I need to own. I’ve been pretty happy reading them and giving them back. I’m very proud when I’m able to put down the books I find in book stores and simply check it out of the library. It has saved space on my bookshelves already overflowing with read and to-read copies of dozens of books. I now have a set of books I feel I need to own and in hardcover no less.
The book series is The Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor. I love the story, the characters, the settings, and the cover art. I’ve tried to win them in Goodreads giveaways but I’ve had no luck. The good news, the hardcover is still available for the first book in the series. Since this thought has been on my mind since the release of the third novel in the series I decided to look up the damage this purchase would cost my wallet and the outlook is not good. I understand what I wanted but it still hurts when you see the $56 dollar price tag. But that total was all the individual books added to the cart. Next, I looked up to see if they have a box set. It looks like the box set is not out yet and not planned to be released until late October but with a $52 tag. I think I will wait and keep an eye on the price of the box set to see if it decreases before October. Maybe by October my wallet will be a bit better, the set will be somewhat cheaper and I can justify a great series on my bookshelf. If you haven’t read The Daughter of Smoke and Bone series my short review is below of why I think it’s worth the read.
I came across this book because of Vaginal Fantasy, a book club introducing me to romance genre books with strong female leads in the urban fantasy, sci-fi, and historical fiction. The first book is called The Daughter of Smoke and Bone and as I said above it is by Laini Taylor. This story is about Karou, a blue haired, tattooed, knows multiple of languages, art student, and orphan living in Prague. To her sassy, sarcastic, lovable best friend, Zusana, Karou is a girl who draws amazing monsters in a sketch book. What Zusana doesn’t know is Karou’s demons are real and the only family she has known. Karou is just trying to get over her crummy ex-boyfriend and do her job, collect teeth for her beast like foster father Brimstone. As Black Hand prints start showing up on Brimstone’s portal doors in cities around the world what comes to past is a history with no good or evil but a muddled gray of sides.
This book is labeled young adult but I believe it can appeal to an adult audience. The author has an impeccable writing style. The world building and setting is clear, imaginative, and beautiful. The characters are unique. I liked Karou, Brimstone, and the shop full of teeth. You know that Karou’s job to collect teeth is serious business when it is on the black market in exchange for wishes. Taylor doesn’t disappoint when the reader learns what the teeth are being used for. The romance that develops in the second half of the narrative slows down the book a bit but the mystery of the characters and their pass is what kept me reading. When the story ended I was left with more questions and looking forward to the sequel.
Favorite Quote:
“You were true to her, even if she was not to you. Never repent of your own goodness, child. To stay true in the face of evil is a feat of great strength.”
“Strength,” she said with a little laugh. “I gave her strength, and look what she did with it.”
I want to thank Felicia Day, Veronica Belmont, Kiala Kazebee and Bonnie Burton (the girls from Vaginal Fantasy) for opening my mind to wonderful books I would have missed out on like this one. I’ll write a review for the second book in the series, Day of Blood & Starlight next week. Maybe this will help me make some bookshelf decisions by then.
Shaking Lounging Negativity
Ever read other people’s writing and think, “They are so much better than me. I’m hopeless. I should give up.” I’m not talking about strangers I’m talking about friends. For me writing is a struggle but they can write with such ease. They write and the first draft makes sense. They can sit down and write pages upon pages of a story with a word count over the thousands. Worst are the ones who never thought to write but they sit down and bang out a story. How much that hurts? It’s not their fault. I have been trying to be more confidence about by goals to be a writer maybe even an author. Sometimes I just don’t feel smart enough to succeed. I was always struggling through school. And while my mother always said do the best I could and didn’t pressure me to get top marks I pushed myself to be a good student. I got A’s in some subjects but no matter how much I tried I did get D’s and even F’s sometimes. Test for the classes I may have loved weren’t always kind. Sometimes the teacher and tutors weren’t helpful too. I can remember the negative as well as the positive but it is the negative I still fight against.
I had to keep reminding myself that just because that other student was a top student didn’t mean they would be successful. Hell, many now seem to have normal 9-5 jobs they hate and didn’t become famous or do better than me. But I am still reminded by the mean things that followed me through life. The tutor that told me, “You can’t expect to become a writer if you’re a bad speller.” Or the teachers who didn’t want me in their class because I was a “slow” student and would never “understand Shakespeare”. The adviser who told me my grades would never cut it in the profession I wanted and I should think about changing majors. The customers who were shocked I could read let alone read novels and told me I must be stupid because I was working as a cashier. Or the stranger at Starbucks that told me my goal for writing as an author was unrealistic. He said something like I shouldn’t expect to coast through life and I either had to get a job or married and pregnant because I’m not getting any younger. People.
I tried to not let it get me down. I tried to find ways around my weaknesses. At my essay exams I started becoming the Thesaurus queen so I could insert similar words to the ones I couldn’t spell. I went to the library and checked out Shakespeare plays and sonnets. I found I understood Shakespeare and even loved some I read. The adviser I went to in college didn’t help me and didn’t give me good advise but I didn’t fine out until I left college missing a few classes that would have looked good on my real world resume. So I try to hold on to the fact that I’m over coming and fighting to keep doing what I love no matter the “should’s” or “should nots” from strangers and listen to my loved ones who are great at incurring. I will keep going and try to fight for my passion.
All who read this, if you feel the need to say something to strangers’ maybe say nothing at all. You may mean well but when you don’t know the whole story you could be hurting someone. If you’re a teacher or tutor encourage and help a student learn. It may not be that you didn’t teach it right it could be the student has a different way of learning.
Everyday I fight the negative thoughts that have burrowed deep. I will try not to let hurtful words from memories bring me down today or in the future. I will try not to get angry with the ones who write with structure and ease because it’s not there fault I see their ease at writing as my failure. After all most of my doubts are only sticking with me because of my mind’s finger is on the repeat button. Guaranteed on the occasion you talk to your friends about their writing insecurities they will tell you they feel the same about other writer’s they have read.
Spring is here. It’s time for new growth. Time to get out of the house, feel the sun and warmth and shake the negative. Maybe feel inspired to write even if it’s not perfect…ever.
Fear As Fuel (Editing My Hair)
I think it’s been two years since I’ve gotten my hair cut. Not good. I know. I didn’t know who to go to without spending an exuberant amount of money. But I needed a haircut. The only way my comb made it through my hair was with a lot of tugging and some ripping sounds. I went to the place around the corner and made an appointment. I cut off maybe six inches and it feels good. It feels light, free, maybe a bit wild but looking healthy. I know now I’ll get a comb through it and it will curl more when it dries.
I haven’t had many bad experiences with my hair. I have always been clear about what I want done and so far most have listened. Also, hair grows back and mine grows fast. Why did I wait so long to get my haircut? Fear. Entering a new location, meeting the hair stylist, and sitting in the chair can all be scary. I had to stop avoiding feeling fear. Just like the writing or editing life. With writing I had to stop fearing rejection, rereading my past work, and cutting writing that didn’t fit even if it sounded good. Fear is there to protect us from pain. There can be more pain never trying. Fear can help writing. It can be used as energy for inspiration. I didn’t think I would have an article this week. I had nothing to write about. This haircut inspirited me and reminded me that I have fears of trusting new people with parts of me but not letting those fears take charge.
While my hair looks good I have learn not to strive for perfection with my writing the first time around. I can continue cringing while reading but not stop editing. There may be a promising sentence that can make all the difference. I might have reached trying to find similarity with life and writing. However, I’m glad I did and do something that scares me. Next time it will be easier.
The Disappearance Of The Clock
I woke by springing upright in bed. The screeching sound first coming from my dreams then somewhere in my room. The glow of my cell phone reflecting erie shadows onto my walls. Thank you NYC emergency service alert for the potential flood advisory in the area. My warning: I am awake. With this extra time I thought I would be using for sleeping I figure it was time to write on this thing.
I’ve been slacking on updating this blog. First, I thought I had nothing to write about. Second, I been procrastinating with the help of Skyrim. That game has a way of wasting hours without me even knowing they passed. The fighting and finding items in quests suck in my attention. Even the slow activities (black smithing, enchanting, and selling) seem to fast forward my clock. The true time suck, the new cable box not displaying the time. Before the disappearance of the cable clock I was focused on the game and the quest but always with an eye on the time. Now, my line of vision has no clock to nag me with how much time I spend playing. It’s true for my writing too. When I put up the full screen document view and I have a supply of words I know I need to get down, time is not an issue. Cover the computer distractions (mostly internet browsers) along with the clock and I’m writing. I realized, typing this out, the clock may be my enemy. I wonder if it’s just the digital clock or would the same time hover happen if I had a analog clock over my desk or T.V. A theory to test one day with my game play not my writing.
The Treasure Hunt In The Old Attic
My attic is filled with four generations of stuff. As I’ve been finding mostly paper (old pay-stubs, and black drawing paper) the garbage bags have been filling up. I did find my walker from when I was a baby. (Picture below.) I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with it. I’m thinking about throwing it in the trash but something is causing me to hang on to it. I don’t remember any memories just vaguely remember the design of the seat. It’s not something I can use in the future for a child. The metal surround the vinyl seat looks like it’s ready to collapse into a death trap. I do love the little bumper in the front. The foam feels as if it would make a better shock absorber than the plastic walkers on the market today.
If I keep it do I use it as a Halloween prop from next year’s decorations? Would any museum, store, or production what it since it is only 30 years old? The walker’s not much of an antique. It’s hard giving or throwing away something you know was yours even if it is a stiff old walker.
Just a heads up, the next few post will be objects I have been finding in my attic. I may blog about some found books, or old items/objects. Perhaps there is someone out there that can help explain what some belongings are and what they were used for.
Let the treasure hunt begin. (I finally feel like a Box Car Child.)
Random Thoughts 
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